A couple of weeks ago, my friend, Gavin Heaton, tagged me to write a ManWeek post. He wanted me, and the others tagged, to discuss what we thought it meant to be a man, and why. I didn’t respond then, because I had too many things bouncing around in my head to say anything coherent. But I think I have it sorted now, so I’m having a lash.
This blog, completely separate from my business blog at acidlabs, will be the journal of my journey. It will be a discussion of sometimes painful things. A place for me to reflect and a place for me to look to you for support.
Beginnings
But first, let’s go back to the beginning.
I never had what you could describe as an especially close relationship with my Dad. I still don’t know why, and I still am not especially close to him. But today, we have a relationship that fits, even if at times we neglect it more than we ought.
Back in 1985, at just 43, my Dad had a serious heart attack. Followed by months of hospitalisation and ribs-cracked-apart open heart surgery, his road to recovery was long. Just a year later, he had a stroke. The aftermath of that left him, for a time, unable to communicate and resulted in years of physical and occupational therapy for him to recover to where he is today — pretty good, but not the man he was.
In fact, the heart attack, the stroke, and the changes both physical and mental that those events wrought upon my Dad destroyed his career and marriage. Previously a dedicated educator and assistant principal of the high school my sister and I both attended, Dad was compulsorily retired. He was no longer the man he used to be, and the powers that be running the career he’d dedicated his life to didn’t consider him capable of doing that job any more. All of this added up to drive he and my Mum apart. No blame, it just was.
A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then. Dad’s not too bad and he’s reasonably happy in himself. He lives interstate. We talk a few times a year and see each other at Christmas. It’s all good. He even talks to Mum.
But I believe my history with my Dad, his illness and its consequences, and the things that have happened between us have not all been helpful to me as a man. They have predisposed me to certain behaviors and beliefs. And those predispositions have not necessarily been helpful.
Transitions
So what has that all got to do with me, except for it being history?
Well, it’s this. In two days, I turn 41. That’s just two years younger than when my Dad got sick. And if I keep doing what I’m doing, I’ll end up like him. Or worse. So I need to get fit again.
I’ve never been either a particularly talented athlete at anything, nor found it easy to be especially fit and lean. I’ve said on more than one occasion that I can walk past a patisserie and osmose the calories. My adult life has been a series of yo-yo cycles where I have a handle on my weight and fitness to one extent or another.
But not today. Today, I’m heavier and less fit than I’ve ever been. I’m 20kg heavier than when I met Alli and 15kg heavier than my fittest ever condition. I haven’t exercised seriously in at least three years. Maybe longer. I keep blaming events and circumstances — none of them particularly valid excuses, but certainly valid reasons (at least in my mind). I’m busy. I broke my leg (and wrecked a knee and ankle at the same time) two years ago. Blah-de-blah-blah.
And it affects everything. Deeply.
I don’t, and can’t, give enough of myself to my wife, Alli, and our daughter, Hannah. I don’t focus on them nearly enough. And it has knock-on effects. Despite being together nearly 15 years, we’ve had our ups and downs. The downs have mostly been attributable to stupidity, arrogance or ignorance on my part. And I keep making these mistakes. They’ve come close to destroying my marriage at times.
It’s those personal things which are the most relevant with respect to the calling cry from Gavin I mentioned at the start of this post. The most important things I have ever done as a man were to meet, fall in love with, and marry Alli and to create our incredible daughter, Hannah, with her.
But I haven’t always done right by them. And that lessens me as a man and as a human being generally.
Far less importantly, but still noteworthy, I also sometimes struggle with the business I started nearly three years ago now. And that’s incredibly foolish. It’s my livelihood. It supports me and my family. I should be giving it my all (within reason).
The change
So it’s time to change. Everything.
It’s time to get fit again. Because I know when I’m fit that I cope much better with everything — life, relationships, business, the inside of my head. That needed tenuous balance is infinitely easier to achieve.
It’s time to focus — on family, on friends, on life and on work. Far, far better than I do now.
I used to do triathlons. In fact, in 2001, I completed a Half Ironman triathlon (for those of you that are curious that’s a 1.9km swim, 90km cycle and a 21.1km run). I’ve never been especially good at them. Rather, I was a back-of-the-pack enthusiast. I’m cool with that.
Chatting to my friend, Derek Featherstone, on Twitter over the weekend, I committed to doing the Canberra Half Ironman with him in 2010. That gives me a little over a year to prepare for the event.
Like me, Feather has made the transition from fat bloke to fit bloke. Only difference is I fell off the wagon and got fat again. And it’s made a difference to my ability to do anything and everything.
The finish
So, it’s time to focus. To get fit. To give a shit about things and to care properly for the people and things in my life.
And, since I’m going very public on this, I’ll be looking to my friends and family to help me out here. To be my watchers. To keep me on the straight and narrow.
Can you help me out?
27 Comments
Believe it or not, I’m in a similar camp dude. 10kg heavier than I want to be.
In recent weeks I’ve pushed myself back to the gym 4 – 5 times/week, when I used to struggle to get there 1 – 2 times/week if at all.
I’ve found the key is to stop making excuses and just go. Every time you overcome the voice that’s telling you ‘no’, the ‘yes’ voice gets a little bit stronger.
Hey Stephen,
Great first step being public about it. I have a similar story only exacerbated considerably — I let myself get 60 – 70 kilos overweight and ruined a couple of marriages on the way, before waking up to what’s important — self, family, friends.
I am in the process of saving myself and use a site called Zealog (www.zealog.com) to keep track publicly of my progress.
Good luck with making it all happen and thanks for sharing.
Alan
Ben makes the very good point about ‘no excuses’ — just go.
And the key to getting beyond the fad (ie 2 weeks of exercise, then stopping) is to take away the pressure. Don’t load yourself up with goals. Just commit to something non-threatening, like 15 mins every second day. Surely you can find 15 minutes somewhere in your day right? What you’ll find is that 15 mins becomes 30, becomes 1hr etc. But if you’re tired, just do 15. No biggie.
Finally, don’t go overboard. Triathlons and half marathons can be enormously hard on the body. Balance is everything. Energy and vitality are what you want. Not strokes and heart attacks.
Apologies if this sounds preachy. My experience with the ‘slowly, slowly’ approach helped me learn guitar. 5 mins a day was the only rule. And now I’m a guitar god (in my mind).
Good luck.
Thanks, Mr Brown. Oh, I know what it’s going to take. That’s why my timeline is over a year. Getting through 10km at any pace in September is goal #1.
And now, it’s time to go do that first run. Slowly.
Really appreciate your honesty and openness in this post, Stephen.
I’ve been aware for some time of my own need to do more physical stuff so that I have more energy to devote to all the things I’d like to get done. My excuse has been finding time in amongst being very hands-on with helping my wife raise 3 children under 7 and balancing that with a full-time job.
I’ll certainly be cheering you on and drawing inspiration from your journey!
Thanks for sharing.
Matt
Stephen, AWESOME!! Not because of what you embark upon but because of the TRUTH in what you say at a VERY personal level and that my friend is the absolute very start to making TRUE change.…Diets/Exercise/Physiology don’t mean shit without a foundation of “truth” in all aspects of life!!
And to hear some of your “truths” is inspirational on many levels after all, how many “men” would go public on quote:
“The downs have mostly been attributable to stupidity, arrogance or ignorance on my part. And I keep making these mistakes. They’ve come close to destroying my marriage at times.”
I look forward to hearing more joys/pains/tears/laughter/successes/F$#@ the World & everyone in it, on your journey brother!!
Let me know if I can help,
Kiwi Down Under,
Spida Hunter
http://www.ehpfitness.com
Hi Stephen
I hope your post gets into the #manweek book in time. It deserves to. I can so relate to what you’re saying here. I have struggled with my weight for 15 years. I just love food! I don’t like diets, or heavy exercise. I spend way too much time physically idle — it’s the nature of my work, and play (hello interwebz)
I often feel I am letting my young family down by not having the energy for them — due to my lack of phsyical fitness.
We all know the rules — eat well, exercise more.
One piece of advice I can give you is to get a heart rate monitor — I bought a Polar model (see http://www.polar.fi/au-en/products/fitness_crosstraining ) and it makes training that little bit more interesting. You can get instant feedback on your intensity level — and track progress.
I enjoy the gym versus outdoor exercise since the machines and social aspect appeal — it took ages for me to complete 3kms in 20 minutes on the treadmill — I am getting better and ultimately I would like to be able to complete 4kms in 20 mins. That will take time.
You are right to engage the community here — we need their help to achieve this. Try to find a buddy to train with — if you can, get up an hour earlier and train then. I find it gets harder as the day goes on — you just don’t feel like training after work.
Thanks for sharing this and good luck.
Tony Hollingsworth
Thanks all for your support, which is amazing. You know I’m there for you too if need be.
Wow.
Thanks for sharing such an open, personal post.
I’m no man but I make the same mistakes in my marriage and life too.
I’ll be reading with interest as you progress on your journey. I’m also attempting the weight loss/fitness thing (and struggling).
All the best.
Congratulations Steve. Courageous effort putting your story out here. Every good wish with the exercise.
I’m in the same place too. I’ll turn 40 at the end of 2010…before then I need to loose 20 kilos. I believe that being overweight and unfit stops me from being all I am supposed to be in life. I’m not doing my boys or my husband any good by being fat and unfit, in fact it is extremely detrimental. It’s time to get serious and time to change. I post about my struggles and my truimphs each Friday. I’m a firm beliver in having people around you to be accountible to. I’ll check in you regularly to cheer you on. :)
I really appreciate your honesty and transparency..it is truly engaging.
Congrats on committing to do something and making it public.
Stephen, I’m with you on this. Get out there and change it all!
Totally understand what you are going through, I had similar instances with both parents, with a simple flu claiming one at 46 (my current age).
Where we differ is that I have always been relatively fit and lean. Up till the last 2 years. For me putting on any weight has been a major effort, until now. Time, lifestyle and a few long term sporting injuries just seem to have gotten in the way for me doing any major exercise.
However like you I’m going to change this. Being bed ridden for 3 days recently, (first time in ten years) changed that, along with the parallel to my mother’s death.
Sadly somethings I love, (not food, I really don’t like eating much) are going to have to go.
My issue is finding someone to train with or a goal to shoot for. At present I’m looking at small steps like being able to maybe do road racing again or at least run any time over 5 minutes without pain.
Go for it, fellow bald dude. Be as well as you can be for as long as you can go.
Go for it Stephen! Isn’t it amazing how being a parent gives you a magnifying glass to really look into your soul/mind/heart/habits/motivations?
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It is brave and appreciated.
That was a really inspirational post. It takes some guts to talk about the kind of things you have, let alone write them down. Good luck with everything, I can relate to making excuses about not exercising, and wish you the best in regaining some physical fitness and the rewards that can bring you.
Congratulations on making this decision! I started ramping up for my first tri at ages 35 – 36, did my first Olympic-length last year at 37, did another this year… but I can’t imagine getting enough time together to actually do a half-Ironman.
Training for a race is one of the best ways to get in shape, I think. It’s a real concrete objective, like finishing a project for work. And yes, it’s tough to train, be good to family and friends, excel at work, work on personal projects, keep up on reading, and all the things you want to do. Personally I just wing it most of the time and don’t stress too much about training according to a strict schedule (except a swim training class I have once a week).
Life sometimes feels like triage, but I think it’s a good idea to put your own health high up on the list of priorities.
There’s a poster in Brooklyn for a city-run program called “Take your Husband to the Doctor Day”, encouraging women to take their fat-ass husbands to get checked out. The subtitle is “So he’ll live to love you longer”. That’s a great slogan for why I exercise.
Nice one Stephen. Will be supporting you every step mate — bring on Canberra Half IM 2010.
On a personal note, it was strangely comforting to hear that I am not the only one who has a somewhat odd relationship with their father. You said your Dad ” predisposed me to certain behaviors and beliefs. And those predispositions have not necessarily been helpful.….Curious to hear what they are? Can you change those beliefs? Can those predispositions be modified? Perhaps that is too personal a question and no worries if you don’t want to respond. Got me thinking, too, I wonder how I’m going to react when my Dad inevitably gets sick — the journey never ends hey.
Thanks again mate.
@trib, I have made much of a similar realisation and have just bought a pair of Nike+ Enabled shoes to drive much the same behaviour. Excercise is easierfor geeks when you get stats to brag about!! I have started a nike walk to run program (at half the recommended intensity due to time restrictions) bit have made a solid effort to run/walk 3 times a week. I have the 2km down to 13 minutes from 18 after just 5 sessions. You have just given me the kick I needed to tackle the other bugbear: eating badly. I am about to go toss the other half of the pepermint biscuits I was about to finish! Talk soon dude: looks like we are in this together!
Very together, my friend. Joining in for the Canberra Times Family Fun Run and Walk in eight weeks?
A few training sessions together doesn’t hurt, either. It’s always easier with a friend.
WOW! What an amazingly inspiring blog post, Steve! Amazing stuff! I read through it entirely and I can surely relate to your experiences on where to put the priorities! That’s exactly what I did a bit over 5 and a half years ago, when the second instance where I needed to do a new start, from scratch, including health wise took place and I haven’t been back ever since.
It’s experiences like this one that make you realise how sometimes what we think are the right priorities eventually aren’t, and the good thing is that we are lucky enough to make changes right on time! Glad you are on board what plenty of us have started already and surely an inspiration for everyone!
Let us know how you progress further and thanks ever so much for making it personal. Incredibly touching and a must read for those who keep struggling with Work Life Balance; perhaps we should start thinking it’s more about Work Live Integration altogether :-)
Let’s get busy!! :-D
@trib — props and respect. It takes something for all three of you (Alli and Hannah as well) to live this transparently, and it’s not without its pitfalls and pains.
I sometimes think all of us (particularly us doofus men) only have relationships because of others’ tolerance … and you are no orphan when it comes to neglecting what is important in our lives. It’s unfortunate that we seem to need the shock of losing friends or relatives to motivate us to refocus on those things — I’m encouraged to see that you haven’t waited until your parents aren’t around to talk about these things.
Me — I’m not far off the age that my father died, and I’m way overweight and unfit too … but that is one of the reasons I’ve changed my worklife to something that’s a little less poisonous, and flexible enough to allow more time for those important things. Jeez the knees hurt, though … :)
Best of luck Stephen.
Wow, Stephen — I’m blown away and speechless by your story.
Thanks for sharing such a struggle — or rather a few of them. My respect for you (and I don’t know you very well) has grown.
I’m glad I follow you on twitter, and am rooting for you — with your running, your health, your relationships (esp. w/ your daughter, as I love my dad so very much), & your business.
If anyone dear man in my life wrote something like this, I would never let them fail — I would support them and cheer for them every step of the way.
Go, Stephen, go!
Cheers,
k
You know where I stand on this, Stephen. With you every step of the way, from a distance, and very much looking forward to this journey! It is vitally important, and it sounds like you’re ready to make the changes necessary to bring better balance to your life.
Sometimes I feel like the balance for me has switched to be the other way — too much time focusing on training, fitness, etc. But that may just be “at the moment” as we’re 5 days away from IronMan Lake Placid. When that is done, I need to bring it down a notch and pull back on the training hours and enjoy some more time with the family.
Best of luck with this journey — I’m right there with you!
Hey mr.
I would love to do it with you so lock me in as already discussed.
Well done your an inspiration to all of us.
Later.
b
Awesome Stephen
My father died at 39; I went through the same I’ve got to be fit, and at that age I was arguably as fit as at any time in my entire life.
I’ve also fallen off the wagon since; ‘too busy’ organising the events in which inspired people can compete. This July however I signed on with Dry July, to raise fund for cancer research; the ‘deadly dancer’ responsible for both my parents early demise.
Your tale will surely drive me back to ‘paddling’ my Finn ski, and we’ll see what happens from there — my MTB is far too unused also.
Glad to have you back in the ‘Ironman’ family!
The event awaits — ironically 2010 it its 10th anniverary!
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